A No-Fail List of Advice for Stuttering

  1. Just slow down.
  2. Breathe!
  3. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be nervous.
  4. Here’s a card for a highly recommended exorcist to rid you of that demon. Mention my name and get 20% off.
  5. Have you tried gargling with saltwater mixed with locally sourced honey before attempting every word? I saw someone on TLC do that and it totally worked, but it has to be local honey. Something about the pollen.
  6. Imagine you’re speaking whale, or better yet, actually speak whale. I’ve never heard anyone stutter in whale.
  7. Sing everything you want to say, but not in a death-metal way, because that would make it worse.
  8. Carry marbles or small pebbles in your mouth, which reduces stuttering. It does, however, increase your chance of choking by approximately 700%, but aren’t you committed to helping yourself with this impediment? WELL, AREN’T YOU!?
  9. Unlock the childhood trauma that caused this, like the time you didn’t get an extra cookie after dinner. Blame your parents. This won’t help your stuttering, but it will cause a rift in your family that will keep your mind off your speech.
  10. Utilize the choral effect. When having a conversation, repeat everything the other person is saying, as they say it.
  11. Speak in iambic pentameter. Then you’ll be known as the person who stutters in iambic pentameter. People love iambic pentameter.
  12. Hire the guy from The King’s Speech to cure you. He gets cured, right? I didn’t see the ending.
  13. Sing everything you want to say, but to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”. Then no one will want to talk to you and you’ll be freed from the social terror of interpersonal communication.
  14. Communicate in “ransom letter” style. Carry magazines, glue, and paper everywhere you go, and write what you want to say with cut-out letters. NOTE: Do not do this at the bank.
  15. Carry around a puppet and when you start stuttering, pretend it’s the puppet. Smirk and ask the puppet if it forgot its name.
  16. Become a mime.
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